It is 11 months since I last wrote. Maybe by now no one looks and I can write with no one getting their knickers in a twist.
I am in therapy. I am doing nothing at all but ironing, cleaning a little and cooking. I am wearing the first new clothes I've had in years and I'm almost what you could call "happy". Not "HAPPY!" just "happy". I'm not crying at comercials, although I do cry at good sad movies. I'm laughing a little and I'm not so caught up in crap I can't get out of that I can't get out of it. Maybe.
Actually that is what is still wrong. This one little thing is screwing with my life and though I know how to get out of it I can't make the moves necessary. I am frozen. I feel it every day. I know I need to stop it but...
Oh and don't go thinking I'm on drugs or drinking or something, it isn't that. It is people who need me. I can't let go of people who need me even when they are toxic. I can get rid of people who care for me, people who don't give a damn about me, people who I love and people I hate. But I can't let go of someone who needs me.
I will, eventually. Really. Maybe before I have a complete breakdown. Their needs are so great. But I already know this and can't act in any way but self destructing and self value-ing (is that even a word?)it's an emotional addiction. I need to be needed. I work hard to make the person NOT need me and then die a little bit when they show me they took the lesson to heart and need me less. Sigh.
Oh well. Welcome back Kathy, long time no see.