Thursday, June 27, 2013

My how things change. I'm in college--forever. I have a great grandchild I adore. I'm old enough to be able to scream "GET OFF MY FUCKING GRASS!" and I mean the yard. I am still in the fly-over state---but if things get any worse I will soon be living anywhere I can in the car. I've been sicker, and far more sane, than I have been in years. It could be because there are no teenagers in the house. They are in my life since most of the students in college are teenagers--I am, however, not the only ancient one (GOD I HATE being called MA'M.) I have had two stories published and two poems published in the college literary magazine--okay--no money--BUT I'M WRITING! I'm working on a book that until now has been written on napkins, paper towels, envelope backs, backs of school papers and several random notebooks that I can't find. I'm trying to get up the nerve to put it on the computer. It does nothing if I can't/don't get it on the computer. Except make me really proud that I'm writing again. The Universe has been doing all it can to make my self humble and feel regret--it ain't working. I'm old, I'm hard and I'm not giving in to the Universe until I damn well feel like it. Oh yeah--and I'm angry too.Things are NOT beautiful, things are NOT fine, things are NOT going to get better unless I CHANGE THEM. I'm no 4.0 student. I'm barely a student. I can't do anything even resembling math and algebra is ---just hell. But I do okay in everything else. I met someone I thought I could have as a friend, turns out I can't. I met someone I don't want as a friend, turns out they want to be friends. I bitch a lot. A LOT. The hell with Christmas cards. GOT ZERO--SEND ZERO. I'm on Facebook, having a ball with all the snarky one liners my little stupid non 4.0 brain can come up with and loving every minute of it. My credit score is lower than my IQ. Broke is now part of my name. And my soul. I did---and this one made me actually cry once I was out of class---see my own DNA. It absolutely blew me away. That was me! Not what my parents did to me, not my grandparents, not my kids none none my husbands--it was ME in about 15 to 20 little white cloudy coils I could see ME! I've been in tears over math class cause I can't do it--I was in tears in History of Nebraska because an Indian man told of being beaten in the White Indian School--I had to leave the room--but this was happy crying. I was moved beyond anything--and I mean anything in my life. I saw me! Not an image or a reflection--no one else on earth looks like my DNA--so no one else is ME. There are very good things in college. Not a lot--but some--make the hell part worth it. Nobody I told cared I saw my DNA but me. Oh well, that's Kathy's life.

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