Taking a deep breath

I have a new job. I really wanted this job.I have applied many times to this place over the last three years and finally got the call, did the training on the computer and had my first two weeks answering calls. Now--why the hell did I want this job? Oh--money and insurance and getting out of the house and feeling better and the girls are older and and and---I'm exhausted and I've already got a cold and oh man, why did I want this job anyway.

I can do this job--although the next six weeks are 6:30 am to 3:30 pm--deep breath-- and I'm a far happier person at 3:30 pm until 11 pm but that is my schedule. I have to get up at 5am. I can't even see at 5 am. I can't even feel my body at 5am. Oh well. I've already had a ball spending my first couple of paychecks.

I have some great character names, and great titles for books, I just can't actually sit down and write them yet--a few more months actually working at a job ought to get me over that crap though. I haven't been to church in 6 weeks because I've been too exhausted. I haven't done anything other than iron and read in the last six weeks. I've taken massive amounts of vitamins but I'm really tired.

I want to go to the Neb Democrats meeting Sunday--I went to the convention and it was great. I'm worried to death about the Sarah Palin out of left field choice--he only did that because Obama didn't choose Hillary and while I cringed at Obama's choice I thought he --Biden--was at least the same calibre as the rich Mormon McCain was sure to choose--and then McCain chooses this --flake. BUT She's A WOMAN! What part of A BLACK AND A WOMAN TICKET BEING A CAN'T LOSE TICKET DID OBAMA NOT UNDERSTAND?

Locally--Scott Kleeb is running for Senate and he is a powerful speaker and has wonderful ideas and he's a HUNK. Oops--I mean he will be a great benefit to our farming community since he grew up on a farm here and is a HUNK. Oops.I hate saying such sexist things really--but on my--he is a hunk. I have an Obama tee shirt (the TIME cover) and a Kleeb tee shirt. And Obama signs and Kleeb signs I'll put in the window on voting day but not sooner--this is not a very kind place to democrats.

I've got to make hundreds of Christmas cards again--and I only have after work time to do it and Phil wants the dining room table taken down so we can put a Grand Piano in the dining room to sell--oh well. I'll make them on the bed if I have too--a little glitter in bed can't hurt. (Glue maybe--but not glitter,surely).

I know no one is looking at these, but it makes me feel all warm to know I actually had the time to sit down and write it.

I've read some wonderful books THE GUERNSEY LITERARY AND POTATO PEEL PIE SOCIETY is delicious love story in every way, and then THE LITTLE BOOK which took the author since 1974 to write (thereby giving hope to all writers who say 'one of these days') is a gem of social comment for this day and age only it takes place mostly in 1900's Vienna. A time travel that makes me love that genre even more. And lots of good mysteries and one about Mary Magdalene that made me laugh and think (okay--it's not a mystery-but a fictionalized account that says Mary became a boy and was the Apostle John actually --too too fun).

I didn't make my church group meeting--I was too sick--so I've been elected President again.
They never learn

OH! I forgot--we did take a Saturday to make a small excursion to the Agate Fossil Beds National Park! It was so absolutely wonderful--these coil, spiral shaped things they found that one man thought were some pre history tree roots but ended up being the holes of prehistoric prarie dogs--wild! And the bones--fossils--just laying there in the dirt! And we got a cookbook at the gift shop and I started reading it only to find out it was written by the woman who wrote NOTHING TO DO BUT STAY and THE WEDDING DRESS which I have on my book shelves! It is Pioneer cooking--wonderful stuff--I actually found out the beef stew I make is the pioneer Irish Stew--right down to putting the meat in a paper bag to shake with flour and seasoning!

Okay--long enough--especially since no one reads this anyway.

Readers Digest Version Of Summer

Annie was chosen to make a trip with a band to Europe next summer and she got a good job and begged for money from people and it looks like she'll be able to come up with the $6000+ FOR THE TRIP.
Alyssa is jealous, won't even try to get a job and manages to get money out of friends and Annie all the time. I'm truly surprised--I really thought the oldest would work and save money and the youngest would never make it. I'm agog.
They didn't go swimming much--teenagers get so blase--or is it just stupid?
Phil was sick most of the summer,and I finally--FINALLY--got a full time job just as school starts.

Life is good
but not perfect.

Rough

This has been a very hard four weeks or so. My husband has had a very bad scare and the girls and I, too. It started out ---well like everybody with kids--one was sick and throwing up and vomiting so much she couldn't even catch a breath and so he took her to the emergency room that night--and they sent them back saying stomach flu. We KNEW that. Any way--she got worse much worse quickly so this time I went back with her to the ER and Phil stayed home and cleaned up the mess by washing the sheets and clothes and that involved going up the stairs to her attic bedroom and going down stairs to the laundry room--several times. Then he came to the ER as well. They gave her an IV and put in stuff to stop the vomiting and diarrhea. We went home at 7AM the next day. Phil had an appointment for his blood pressure and he said he didn't feel like going and besides he'd sprained his ankle--and indeed the whole foot was horribly swollen. But he changed his mind and went. And they took him immediately to the hospital, and immediately to surgery for a massive blood clot in his leg. A good thirty inches of clogged whatever--almost to the vena cava. It had been throwing off little bits for months--maybe years--and making him cough a lot--he felt like he was just clearing his chest--but that isn't what it was.

The surgery took about five hours. My friend and pastor sat with me though the whole thing. The waiting room had a huge glassed in area of live birds. We watched the birds and talked and talked and she knit and I paced and finally the Dr. came out and said his foot may never stop being swollen but he now has a sort of umbrella shaped thing in his vena cava that will stop the little or big pieces from entering his lungs or heart or brain.

I went home and cried and cried. I couldn't sleep. I nearly lost the man who had made life bearable--made life funny and taken care of me and my kids and my kids kids for twenty eight years! Next morning I was there as soon as I could get there leaving the oldest to take care of the youngest, I visited with him for a few minutes but I felt horrible so I said I'll go home and rest but on the trip back to our town I passed out and the car went off the road and I called 911. They came and I'd thrown up all over and I told them I'm diabetic and they took my blood--my blood sugar was horribly low I refused to go to the hospital so they gave me a horrid sugary drink--took my blood sugar again and left. I barely got home before I threw up again. I was so sick, and my youngest was so sick and I talked to Phil and he was vomiting and had diarrhea and then the girls called the 911 again because they couldn't get me to respond and I was taken to ER and given an IV and stuff to stop the vomiting and so on--and got home again just when the oldest got sick.

It wasn't flu--it was food poisoning.

Oh--and our toilet broke and we had no toilet for many hours until a new one got put in.

So anyway--here we are-- a month from all that---thinking life is great and good and damned if my husband didn't go for his final check up and the sonogram showed the leg has a gigantic blood clot again. Despite taking the non clotting medication--he has another surgery on March 26th.

I have spent a great deal of time praying and pleading and hoping and wishing for every thing to go well for just a while--you know--just a break from crap. But no.


Even my pastor who is also my best friend can't believe the stuff we go through.
I'm just telling ONE thing that happened. You wouldn't believe the ALL of it.

I oughta write a book--but who'd believe it?

"In America"

Oh, don't expect any kind of movie review here. I just bawled my way through it. I'm Irish to my bone marrow and a bleeding heart as well. Could I cry more--could I waste half a box of anti viral Kleenex more? I've painted crappy places and put on happy faces for kids and watched as people I love die and people I don't love get richer and meaner. I've been Irish. I complain. I'm as black an Irish as there is. Can't you tell? Haven't you read this blog? Could I complain more? I'm Irish. And I've just bawled through "In America". For God's sake rent it and weep! The O'Begley's daughter in modern America. I'm still painting crappy places and putting on smiling faces and I'm going to be 60 in a very few weeks. You don't stop being Irish. And I'm still --here.

I can't sleep

It seems to me that a great deal of important things are happening and I can't do much about them. I can't change teenage angst and snottiness and pimples and fears, and you'd think with all the experience I have in that I could do something. But all I can do is keep the lid on, the roof up, the acne cleansers paid for and remind them I am proud and here for them----after I blow my lid, raise the roof and really scream--about the snottiness. I can't STAND the snottiness. Don't give me that "growing up and growing away to be independent blah blah blah" crap. They are rude. To each other, to us if under their breath and as they leave the room. I hate that. Probably because I DO have experience with it already. I'm tired of it already.

Okay--that is the stuff I'm worrying over under my own roof--now other things. I hate our voting system. It is unfair beyond belief. It has always been unfair as long as I have been alive. We no longer have our news delivered by horseback. Not even back when I was born. We even had TV back then! Why must we go by this horrid electoral college stuff! We have advanced! We have improved! We have telephones, TV and computers and internet and I think we could find a way to really do one person one vote! It is so unfair that Nebraska--because it is considered a Republican state will totallyignore my Democratic vote and all others and only a Republican will be voted for in November. Not FAIR! Not Free! NOT DEMOCRATIC!

But--I can do nothing but vote at the caucus--and I'm bringing cookies--vote in November despite the futility of it and hope my snotty teenagers will notice how important this is (really far more important than their fighting over what song is playing on the computer) and be involved and EVOLVED voters who will carry on trying to get a fair system in place for all voters! WE SHOULD ALL COUNT! WE SHOULD ALL MATTER! So I'm up late because it upsets me.

And--I've been given a job I can't do. I've worked at it and worked at it and everything I have done is wrong and I'm going to have to ask for help tomorrow and I feel badly and so I can't sleep.

I'm not sure of the order of all that but it all matters to me and it all makes me sleepless, and it's snowing here but little bits of green are sticking up on the sunny side of the house garden area--probably crocus and jonquils and tulips. It is 20 degrrees and Spring insists on sticking its nose up and breathing anyway. Thank God.

Happy VGLDSWD!

I'm told by my newsletter from Little Thurlow in England--a village --for real--that today is International Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Women's Day. The motto to live by is: Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body throughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO" What a ride!"

Hmmm. I'm all for it --except for the part about seeminly abandoning the thought of having an attractive and well preserved body. I mean Clairol was not invented for kids you know. It was invented for me--and billions of women like me. I haven't the vaguest idea what color my hair would be without hair dye. I do know I have grey streaks at my temples and one lovely one like a skunk in the center--but I don't let them show more than a scant half inch--and not as long as I live. And I've sworn I'll go to my grave (actually cremation) with a bottle of dye in my hands and a note to the angels to please do a touch up. I don't want to meet my Saviour with my hair looking like hell. Uh--well. You know what I mean.

And my body. Well-- it's recently been thgough a great deal of stuff and is a mess at the moment but I'll fix it up somehow by the time I die. I mean--it will be well used and throughly worn out--but--I really don't want to look like an empty sack. Of course if I'm the age I've sworn to die--104--then the odds are against me on that and I may have to adjust to the reality of it. But that is 44 years from now. I've time.

I've still time to write another book or twelve and get published again, and probably raise a great grand kid or two--although I do believe my husband would leave me if I said yes again. This time--the grandchildren--it was his idea and I said yes of course--but he said never again. But 44 years--a lot can change.

I may even end up with my promise to myself to live by a lake and have a boat. I've got everything I ever wanted truly. I've 44 more years to get that. And then I'll skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, dye bottle in the other and scream "WOO HOO, what a ride!"

Am I Really here?

I looked up my name on the internet--years ago--but I look it up again every now and then to find out how the other woman who has my name is doing. She is pretty big stuff in the Northwest. Government, Universities, Alumnae and so much more than me. I'm in the internet, don't get me wrong. You can get old copies of my books everywhere. But not GOVERNMENT or UNIVERSITIES or ALUMNAE or newspaper articles. I didn't graduate from college (truly my only regret in a life that ought to be full of regrets) and as an alumnae of Kimball County High School, well...that doesn't get in the press much. I'm involved in government. I never miss voting

Speaking of voting-- the Democratic caucus will be held soon. I want to go. I've never done it before. I'll be a Virgin caucus goer. I want my chance at the very beginning of it all. Since my one vote doesn't really help elect a President--I'd like my one vote to help elect the person who goes to the Convention and casts a vote for whomever my vote won't matter for in November. It may seem I won't matter here and now either, but I'll be closer than ever. I'm really looking forward to that.

Now I think of it --that other woman who has my name in the Northwest--her vote doesn't really count in the Presidential election any more than mine. I hope she goes to her local caucus. She'll really matter there.